The Lost Journal of Dudley Dursley
by LilyLupinSnape
Summary: Dudley Dursley is on a diet and is so desperate to get junk food that he he wants to go to Hogwarts so he'll learn spells that will enable him to get junk food. Takes place during Goblet of Fire


**(These entries are from 1994, when Dudley Dursley was placed on a strict diet to lose weight.)**

_September 2, 1994_

Hello, I'm Dudley Dursley and I'm bloody mad! Today my mum only bought me ten presents instead of eleven! And she knows I really want a Game Boy Color and what does she get me? A Game Boy Advanced! THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED! *pounds fists on computer table* Ugh, I have the meanest parents in the world! Plus, I'm still on that stupid diet. I WANT REAL FOOD! *pounds fists again* My cousin, Harry Potter, can do magic. He's not normal. But perhaps if I could do magic I could magic myself some food? That would be great! I'm going to tell Mum and Dad right away that I want to go to Hogwarts too! Bye!

_September 4, 1994_

Mum and Dad literally freaked out when I asked if I could go to Hogwarts.

Mum: Oh Dudders! Are you taking drugs? *sobs hysterically*

Dad: Dudley! How dare you ask to go to that..."place" with your freak cousin? What has gotten into you?

Mum: He's taking drugs, Vernon! I just know it! Why else would he suggest such an outrageous idea?

Dad: Its ok, son. We'll get you the help you need. *Pats me on the back*

Me: Mum, Dad, I'm not taking drugs!

Mum: *still sobbing hysterically* Why? Why? Why? Oh Vernon! Harry's freakishness is rubbing off on our poor sweet little Dudders!

Dad: Hush, Petunia. It'll be ok. Dudders, why, if you're not taking drugs, did you suggest such a crazy idea? Why would you want to go to that freak school?

Me: *looks down and pretends to cry* Its, Ha..Ha..Harry. He..He put a spell on me from school. He jinxed my computer, I just know it. *runs into Mum's arms*

Mum: Oh Dudders, that is the only logical explanation there could be! Curse Harry! When he gets home from that freak school...

Dad: What do you mean, "When he gets home"? He'll be out on the streets that no good, rotten freakish boy!

Mum: Oh Dudders, lets go out and buy you some presents ok? Will that make you feel better, honey?

Me: Yes, mum. Could you buy me about five or six games for the Play Station? And while we're there, can I get a new computer too?

Mum: Oh, of course Dudders, sweetie! We'll go right away!

Well, I couldn't tell them the real reason I want to go to Hogwarts. So I can magic myself some food. But I've been sneaking candy. But I'm still hungry, darn it!*Bangs wrists on the computer desk*

Oh, and Harry might not have a home when he comes back ;) This calls for a celebration. *Breaks out the hidden supply of Ring Dings, Skittles, Snickers, Milky Ways, and Three Musketeers*

_September 10, 1994_

They found out. Mum and Dad found out I've been sneaking snacks that Piers was giving to me. I threw a fit alright. I threw all my new computer games out the window and broke my Game Boy Advanced. Now Mum's going to have buy me a Game Boy Color, hee hee hee. ;) But the worst part was at supper time. I said to mum,"Mum, if Aunt Lily had magical powers, maybe you do too! Maybe we're not muggles after all!" Mum, jumped so bad that she fell out of her seat and screamed and dad ordered me to go up to my room. Then later on Mum and Dad came up to my room and told me that tomorrow I have to go see a psychiatrist! I cried and cried. "I'm not Harry!" I reminded them. "I'm nut a nutter like he is!" But they looked at me with concern in their faces. Later on, I sneaked down stairs and spied on them while they were having a conversation.

Mum: Vernon, I'm really worried about Dudders. He can't...end...up...like...Harry! *Burst into tears*

Dad: Now, Petunia, don't worry. We'll set him right. He's going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow and we'll stop this nonsense about him wanting to become a ...

Mum: Vernon! Don't say that word! *continues crying*

It's a good thing they don't know I found one of Harry's old spell books from school. The Standard Book Of Spells, Grade 1 Now, I'm looking for a spell that will enable me to magic myself some food, since Piers can't give me any more snacks…

_September 21, 1994_

Psychiatrist wants to see me again on Tuesday. Mum and Dad begged me not to tell them about Harry's abnormality and about him being able to do magic, but the psychiatrist said the only way for him to help me is to tell him everything. And so I did. And I told him how I wanted to go to Hogwarts too so I could magic myself some food. He looked very concerned, but didn't say anything. He probably thinks I'm nutters or something. I don't care. It was mum and dad who made me go and then they tell me not to tell the psychiatrist about magic and Hogwarts and Harry? But mum and dad took me out to McDonalds as a treat for being so good. They let me cheat my diet (as if I wasn't doing it already before they found my hidden supply of junk food). So I ordered three cheeseburgers, 4 large fries, and two milkshakes plus an M&M McFlurry. Of course, I was still hungry with that small amount of food so I ordered two extra value meals after that, mind you. But, I haven't had such good food since. Mum and Dad have been observing me closely and have been searching my room everyday for signs of more hidden food. I had to hide The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 1 in Harry's room, but I think I'll get it out again and continue reading it. So long for now.

_September 30, 1994_

Accio food! Accio food! Accio food! Damn it! Why isn't it working? Accio food! Accio food! *looks around, scared*

Oh, no. Mum just came in and screamed, "Dudley! What are you doing? Oh no! You're trying to do you-know-what!" And fainted. Dad just called, "Petunia, what's wrong?" He's coming up the stairs. Better hide the magic book. Better yet, I'll toss it out the window and I'll go pick it up later. Gotta go. Bye.

_October 3, 1994_

Stupid psychiatrist! Saying I have some kind of Schizotypal Personality Disorder, believing I have magical powers and all that crap. He thinks I'm crazy. He wants to put me on Seroquel, an antipsychotic. I'm not psychotic! What's so crazy about wanting food? If you had to live off carrot sticks and grapefruit, you'd want to magic yourself some food too! I think I'm going write to Harry's friend's mum, Molly Weasley. I heard that she was sending Harry food last summer when he was supposed to be following the diet too. Yeah, she'll feel sorry for me ;) I'll tell her how awful my parents are and how they are starving me. Oh well, gotta go now. Mum's going to buy me a new CD player and a new bike today!*sigh* But I still think I have the meanest parents in the world!

_October 21, 1994_

I wonder if Harry Potter's headmaster has an email address? I'd like to write him a letter and don't know his address or name. I desperately want to go to Hogwarts. I'm sick of living off rabbit food! I need to learn how to magic myself some food! Please someone help! I'm losing too much weight now. I've lost 20 pounds! Aunt Marge says that if I keep this up, I'll look like a scrawny freak like Harry! She's trying to get my parents to let me eat normal food again, but I don't know if it will work. Help!


End file.
